


Afterlife

by averyb0501



Category: Afterlife - Fandom, Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Daniel Howell - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, Phandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, Sci-Fi - Fandom, dan and phil, phanfiction - Fandom
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe, Dan Howell Is Not A Youtuber, M/M, Phil Lester Is Not A YouTuber
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-12 23:51:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14738144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/averyb0501/pseuds/averyb0501
Summary: Dan was just entering a new chapter in his life, when he caught a mild sickness. Thinking nothing of it, besides somewhat of a fever, he continued on as usual. When he woke up somewhere else to find out he had died, not only was he terrified out of his mind, but confused. Confused as to where he was, and whether the strange man that was there with him was really who he said he was.





	1. Chapter 1

Dan opened his eyes to a world he’d never seen before. A world that seemed so brand new and so mysterious, yet so ancient and well-known. He saw everything he once did now morphed and twisted into what he could only explain as an alternate reality. The last thing he remembered was going to sleep the night before, feeling exhausted and ill. 

He looked around him to see that nothing was really different. Nothing was there to give him the intention that something could be wrong. His room was still the same as it was before he fell asleep. There was nothing. Except for the feeling in his bones. He had a very peculiar feeling in his bones. He was still under the covers, only now feeling slightly less snug than before. It seriously felt like everything had changed, although through his own eyes it was clear that nothing had. He desperately tried to convince himself that he was tired, that his brain was warping his vision and twisting his thoughts and that he should just go back to sleep, in his bed, which he told himself he was still lying in. 

But why, then, Dan thought, why does it feel like I’m not here at all? 

Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something walk past his doorway. He whipped his head to look, only to find an empty doorway and a dark hallway. He felt fear run through his blood and pound on his heart. 

Whatever it was, it was tall and lanky. If he stood beside it, he would be just a bit taller than it. He knew that it was a bad idea to go look for it. 

Yet for some reason, Dan got up out of bed to go look for it anyway. 

As he walked down his dark hallway, he looked around at the walls he’s looked at for years, every time he walked down this same hallway. He was expecting them to feel different, just like everything else he’s felt since he ‘woke up’. But, for the first time, it felt normal. This chilled Dan more than if it had been eerie. Was he already used to it? Did he need to be?

He knew that the unsettling feeling in his chest and head was fading. He tried not to care. Why all of a sudden was it going away now? He wondered if he had woken up in a dreamy state. He woke again the thought that his brain, in fact, had played a trick on him. That he was awake in his normal life at an unknown hour, and that everything was fine. Perfectly fine. He let the memory of the lanky dark figure drift out of his mind.

He took a deep and slightly unsteady breath, then stepped into his kitchen. He’s woken up in the middle of the night before. The usual was that he’d grab a glass of milk or something and head back to bed. 

He tried to open the fridge doors, but no matter how hard he tried, the door would not open. That was the first thing that was definitely different than usual. His fridge should have easily opened. He decided to forget about it and get a glass of water instead. As he tried to open the cupboards for a glass, he noticed that they wouldn’t open either. 

Dan pulled and pulled at each handle in his kitchen. It felt like they were all bolted shut from the inside. It was as if he wasn’t even touching it, like he couldn’t sense his hands gripping it. They weren’t even moving. His heart sped faster and his breath sped up. 

His circle of thoughts going back and forth. This isn’t home. This is home. This isn’t home. This is home. Dan really didn’t know what to think anymore. He just wanted to go back. He didn’t even know where he was anymore. 

He made the final decision that he wasn’t home. He was somewhere else, that looked like home. There was no longer a doubt in his mind. It was replaced by fear.

The lanky figure returned past the glass doorway of the kitchen. Dan turned around as fast as he could, but just missed a proper glimpse of it. He ran out the door into his lounge. It was still dark, but the atmosphere of room was anything but that. There was no figure, but there was something else.

His mirror hanging over the fireplace was frosted over. The windows were foggy. The whole room looked as if the temperature was dropped 20 degrees, but Dan didn’t feel a thing. It was odd, he didn’t feel cold, but he didn’t feel hot or warm either. He didn’t really feel anything but fear. His lounge looked empty and neglected. As if someone hadn’t lived in it for a while, but Dan remembered sitting on his couch on his laptop, on what should have been yesterday. He walked up to the mirror and wiped off the frost. It did, finally. It was the first thing that moved to his touch yet. 

He examined his face in the reflection. His eyes still shimmered brown but they were sunken in and he had bags that could pack a week’s worth of clothes. His face was unbelievably pale. Almost translucent. His hair was dark and His skin was clear and undamaged, unlike the night before in which he picked and plucked at his breakouts, leaving his skin red and blemished. In fact, now it looked as if all the colour in his face was gone, and all that was left was a drained copy of himself. No wonder he didn’t feel like he was there. He didn’t look like he was either. 

Dan continued to examine the differences in his face when he saw it. In the background of the mirror there was another man. He looked pale and empty, just like Dan. 

Dan froze in place and stared. The man made direct eye contact with him. His eyes flew open with surprise, as if he wasn’t expecting Dan to see him, although of course he would have, he was standing in the middle of the room. 

Not knowing what to do, Dan stayed as still as he could manage. His heart felt like it was going to burst through his chest, it was beating to hard. He couldn’t stop his hands from shaking violently. There was nowhere he could run, as the man was right by the door. Dan’s mind was nothing but questions he didn't have answers to. Who was this man in his house? How did he get there? What’s going to happen? What’s already happened?

Dan felt his entire body drain, so much more than it had before. It felt like all the blood in his body was flowing out his feet onto the floor. He suddenly felt like there was no bones in his body, as he collapsed to the floor. 

His eyes began to close as he saw the man walking towards him. The last thing he remember is the blood curdling scream that escaped him. 

When Dan opened his eyes again, he knew one thing for certain. He was still in whatever messed up place he was in before. He was back in his room again, but the man was watching him sleep. Dan stumbled back with fear.

“Holy fuck! Shit, oh Jesus, who the fuck are you?!” Dan looked beside him to find a glass cup on his dresser.

He tried to pick it up, in efforts to throw it, but it wouldn’t budge. Just like the cupboards in his kitchen before. 

“You won’t be able to pick it up,” The man said, watching Dan struggle. “You’re new here.”

Dan, confused, looked at him.

“What? I’m new where? Where am I exactly? Oh, and who the hell are you?” Dan was scared out of his mind. Was he ever going to back home?

“Okay. You need to relax, I’m not going to hurt you. I can tell you everything, if you promise to calm down. Deal?” The man kept a straight face. He looked Dan in the eyes. Dan noticed his bright blue eyes were still in fact, blue, unlike everything else about himself, and Dan too. 

Dan took an unsteady but deep breath, and nodded. 

“I’ll try.” He stated. 

The man looked at him and smiled cautiously. 

“Right, okay. Well, first, I’m Phil. I’m supposed to be 26. I live here. Now, I guess, you do too.”

Phil looked at Dan, who was trying to comprehend what that meant.  
“How could you have lived here if I’ve lived here for 2 years? And, ‘supposed’ to be 26? What does that mean?” Dan asked, unable to grip onto anything, he tightened his fists in fear. He watched Phil try to pick the right words, possibly trying not to freak Dan out. Considerate. 

“Well, we’re not really in the same place as where you were. I- I’m sorry. I don’t want to scare you or tell you something you’re not ready for. What was the last thing you remember from before you woke up here?” Phil asked, nervously tensing and releasing his fists. 

“I-uh, I was here in bed. I was going to go to sleep.” Dan answered, watching Phil listen for clues for what he was on about. 

“How did you feel, before?” Phil leaned forward on his chair, resting his elbows on his knees, fiddling his fingers. He was sitting on Dan’s weird chair that had an strangely accurate sculpt of a butt. He looked uncomfortable. 

“Um, ill, I guess? I’ve been sick for about a month. It’s actually been really bad, I’ve missed work, I lost weight, hair, appetite. It’s weird actually, I felt fine when I woke up here.” 

“Oh,” said Phil. “I get it. Alright, I’ll tell you how I got here. Don’t freak out.” He warned. Dan nodded again.

“Around four years ago, I lived here, where you were. I had a good life, a good job. But there was this one day, where something felt different. I don’t know. It just felt like something was going to change. I was driving to work, when I took a left turn without looking,” Phil paused and looked down. Then he continued, “Another car was going straight. It hit me at practically full speed.”

Dan looked at Phil. He didn’t really understand where Phil was going with his story, or at least he pretended he didn’t.

“I died, Dan. Instantly.” Phil said with a straight face. He looked at Dan with sympathy. 

“Then I woke up here. I’ve been here ever since. I could see you though, before. But you could never see me. But, now you can. So, the only fair assumption is that you’re here in this world with me because, well yo-”

“What?” Before Phil could say anything else, Dan had curled up into a ball, shutting his eyes. He couldn’t believe it. He could be dead? 

"No," He mumbled. "I'm not dead. I can't be. You're lying to me. Who are you?!" Dan shouted into his knees, feeling tears rim his eyes. He didn't want to think it was possible. 

Dan let out a small sob before he uttered, "I can't be."

“Hey," Phil walked over and sat beside Dan, "Hey. It’s okay,” He put his arm around him and held him close. Without thinking, Dan shifted himself into Phil’s arms. There was something about him that felt safe.

“It happens. Everybody dies. I’m sorry, I don’t what to tell you.” 

There were so many things he hadn't done. So many goals he never accomplished. He knew life was unfair, he had come to terms with that, but to rip him away from everything he ever loved. To take away anything he could ever do. 

Dan sniffled into Phil’s chest and neck as Phil wrapped his arm around to hold his shoulder. Dan pulled away and looked at Phil. He had sharp cheekbones and a jet black hair. His eyes were still blue, but he looked empty. Dan felt bad for thinking of him as lanky before.

“Sorry,” Dan sniffed, “Sorry, for crying. I just can’t believe it. Honestly. I knew I was really sick, but, -maybe I choked on my own sick or something. Jesus, what if that’s how I went? What a shitty way to go! And, to end up here! I seriously thought there was nothing after, well, life. I can’t, -am I stuck here forever?”

Phil shrugged, keeping eye contact with Dan out of empathy. “It’s okay to cry Dan. Seriously. This is a big deal, I guess. And, yes. From what I know, we’re here forever. But, if you’ll let me, I can show you some perks? It’s not all bad here.” Phil nudged Dan, who was still in shock. 

“Yeah,” Dan said after a while, “I guess. I might as well know. Just give me a minute to process.” He smiled shortly at Phil. Maybe the afterlife, or whatever it was, wouldn’t be so bad if Phil was there to help, whoever he was.


	2. Chapter 2

When Dan was ready, Phil took his hand and pulled him out of bed. As they walked out to the lounge Dan looked at his hallways again. He saw the place he knew then that he would be in for, what he guessed was the rest of eternity.

When the two of them were in Dan’s lounge, Phil began to explain what it was like to live there.

“I think I should just give you a disclaimer that you’re the only other person I’ve ever seen here, so I don’t really know if these will all apply to you, I just know it works for me. There are a couple things here that you should know about." Dan felt like he should be taking notes, as Phil had assumed somewhat of a teacher's position.

"To start, you won’t be able to pick up or move anything for the first few days. Naturally some things will be easier to move, until objects move effortlessly to your touch. By that point, it’s not even hard to move anything. No strength involved.”

Phil turned around to grab the end of the coffee table and lifted it without any effort. He looked at Dan, then carefully lowered it back to the ground.

“See?” He showed, “Next, no pain. Literally nothing hurts, ever. I'm telling you, I’ve banged my shin and walked into walls, and walked away without a scratch, and I used to bruise so easily! It was crazy." Dan wondered if nothing hurt, then did anything feel good? He knew the saying that without pain there would be no joy, but maybe it was different now that he was in another world.

“Something cool, teleportation is a thing that exists. Which is cool, but it only works for long distances. I can’t move from here to the kitchen, I’d have to walk, but I could go to tesco right now if I wanted to.” Even with the gut wrenching feeling still deep in his stomach, Dan couldn’t help but laugh to himself at this.

“Well, that’s kinda shitty then," He started, "What’s the point in teleportation if you can’t be lazy about it?” Dan asked sarcastically. Phil chuckled.

“Yeah, I know right? Anyway, moving on. No way to talk to people who are still alive. I've tried everything, and it just doesn't work. Sorry.” Phil looked at Dan sympathetically.

Dan couldn’t tell if he was sad about that or not. He didn’t really talk to his parents that often anymore. They just didn’t have a connection. He wasn’t in any kind of relationship, and his friends, while they would be super torn up and destroyed that he was gone, there wasn’t a need to talk to them again. He knew everyone would miss him and wouldn’t believe that he was dead, but there was no proper reason to have to talk to them again. As much as it hurt to admit to himself, he knew everyone would eventually get over it.

“It’s fine. What else?” He said to Phil. He wondered who Phil wanted to talk to after he died.

“Okay. To name a bunch more, there's no hunger, but you can still eat, no sickness, optional sleep, optional fatigue,” Phil checked to see if Dan was getting everything, then continued, “You still breathe, still feel emotions, no aging, unless you want to, and, yes. There is internet, but it’s weird. I’ll have to show you. Questions?”

He tried to remember all the information, but he still had some questions. He decided not to ask any, because he didn't want to seem daft.

"I'm okay so far." He answered.

“Alright, cool. Then there are a few more that are actually important, so, remember these. You can make anything pop up out of thin air. And when I say anything, I don't mean living things, unfortunately. You can tap into what’s going on in the real world. I'll show you how to do it, if you want, but no one can see you or hear you, or anything really. And finally, you can say ‘reset’, and the room will clean itself immediately. I don't know why or how, but it does.”

Phil turned around to grab a chair and push it over. He also grabbed one of Dan’s figurines on the fireplace and smash it on the ground. Pieces of glass went everywhere and Dan jumped slightly.

“Reset!” Phil said aloud. Dan watched both items go back into place in the blink of an eye.

“Whoa!” Dan exclaimed. “That’s it right?” Dan asked. Phil nodded.

“That’s it."

"I have one question," Dan began, "When you tap into the real world, would it be like, I don't know, like A Christmas Carol? You know, when the past, present, and future ghosts bring Ebenezer Scrooge through places in his life?" Dan seemed embarrassed with himself for having to ask.

Phil laugh lightheartedly. "Yeah, actually! That's exactly what I thought when I did it for the first time!"

"Oh," Dan said, relieved, "Nice."

Dan wondered how long it took for Phil to figure out the linguistics of this new place. He knew that Phil had been there for years, but he seemed to have known everything he knew for a long time. Maybe it started with him trying to talking to people he used to know, or him not being able to move anything, just like Dan.

After a while, Phil broke the slightly awkward silence.

"So,” He looked at Dan excited, “What do you want to do now? I have Mario Kart?”

Dan thought it was silly that despite everything, Phil kept a light heart, and stayed kind to Dan. Dan also thought that, well, he really wanted to play Mario Kart.

They ended up playing together for hours. On the console, Phil had managed to get a trophy and three stars on every course. He said that over the course of four years, you get really good at video games. Dan couldn’t even try to keep up with him, but he still had a lot of fun.

Afterwards they talked about their lives before, and what they were like.

"I was in law at uni," Dan started, "I've been doing it for about three years, now. I only picked it because it made me look smart. I had already taken a gap year and I didn't want to risk taking a course that wouldn't even get me a job. I hated it."

Phil was very interested in what Dan had to say. Dan guessed he hadn't heard someone else talk to him in a long time.

"I'm kinda glad I don't have to do it anymore. But there's a lot of things that I wanted to do that I never got the chance. It's sad, isn't it? Dying so soon?"

Phil nodded and answered, "I suppose. I've come to terms with it, mostly. It's not that bad here. Of course it wasn't what I expected, but I haven't gone insane."

"Yet." Dan joked.

"So, you're supposed to be how old?" Phil asked. Dan wasn't really comfortable with the whole 'supposed to be' term.

"I'm 22."

"Oh, wow," Phil said. "Yeah. That's young." Although they were basically in London, Dan still heard a northern-y accent when Phil said 'young'.

"I can't imagine what that will do to your family."

Dan sighed. He didn't really want to talk about it, but he knew that communication was good and that if he's about to be stuck with Phil for a very long time, he might as well open up.

"Actually, my parents don't really pay attention to me. They had me when they were young. They weren't married, they didn't have much money, and they didn't know what to do. They sort of pretended I didn't exist. Sure, I guess, they'll be sad. But in the end they'll be fine." Dan scratched the back of his neck subconsciously.

"Oh," Stated Phil, not knowing what else to say, "I'm sorry."

"It's fine. Can we talk about you now?" Dan asked.

"Yeah, of course," Phil cleared his throat, "I was a radio host for BBC radio 1. I was known as AmazingPhil, and I interviewed a bunch of people doing crazy things. I went every single day from five to eleven. I loved it. It was a place where I could just be myself. I didn't have to worry about being to weird, or awkward, because I knew, all that about me and more, is why my audience enjoyed my content so much. The only thing is that I never got a day off. Sometimes I wish I could go back, though. I miss it so much.

"My parents were really great. They raised me and my older brother in Rossendale. We're all super northern, except me, because of my job. They really cared for me and I knew we all loved each other. It hurt me so much that I didn't get to say goodbye to them," Phil stared at the floor with a frown on his face, "I really tried _everything_."

Dan didn't know what was worse. Being ripped away from a place of comfort and safety, or never having it in the first place.

"That's awful." Dan added. Phil nodded and blinked back tears he didn't realize had formed in his eyes.

"Can I see them?" He asked.

"Yes. I'd like that," Phil replied, "We'll go visit. I haven't done that in a while. It hurts a lot."

"We don't have to," Dan contradicted, "Just forget I asked. It was stupid anyway. I don't even know why I asked-"

"No. I want to go." Phil interrupted. Dan paused.

"You sure?" He asked.

"I'm sure."

"Alright. We'll go see your parents."

Phil looked at Dan in a way he never seen anyone look at him before. A look of gratitude. A look of admiration. Even with Phil's pale sunken face, Dan felt as thought he was emitting warmth and light.

He reached forward and intertwined his hand with Phil's. Phil seemed taken aback, but his gaze never broke, as he gave Dan's hand a small squeeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2! Here's me not knowing how long chapters should be and creating the shortest chapter in existence. Really appreciate feedback comments, so if you have any suggestions, please don't hesitate to let me know!


	3. Chapter 3

Phil's parents lived in an old home. It had cracked paint and dusty windows. It was in the middle of the street, surrounded by other, more modern houses that had been flipped over the years. It looked like an odd one out. Still, Dan appreciated the home-y feel it gave off. It was nice. It also had green vines that had unfortunately gone brown, creeping up the side of the house, and a cracked driveway.

"This is it." Phil said, standing with Dan in front of it. He looked hopeless. He really missed his family. 

Dan couldn't see anyone in the house. In fact, he wasn't able to see anyone, anywhere. Phil had taken Dan for a stroll around the neighborhood, to presumably stall time, but Dan didn't see anyone.

There was no one at the park. Just rusted slides and empty swings. Dan felt an urge to go play, but he fought it down because this was a very serious moment for him and Phil, and he didn't want to cause more harm to the situation. When they continued to stroll, he thought a lot about himself, and the rest of his life. He thought about how when he pictured an afterlife, or a heaven, or whatever he'd call this place he was in, he imagined something totally different. 

He imagined bliss. He imagined what should have been balance, and reward, and  _heaven._ He wanted something waiting for him. A place where he got anything he wanted, where he could be happy, and where the people around him were happy too. A place where he felt welcome and loved. If he had imagined anything, he imagined heaven.

The more he thought about it, the more realized he did somewhat get what he wanted. He got his friend Phil who was balancing his entire life at the moment, holding it in his own hand, hoping it doesn't fall apart. Dan had Phil there waiting for him. Phil, who welcomed him with open arms, ready to spend the rest of time with him. The  _rest of time._ Dan couldn't even comprehend what that meant. He couldn't possibly wrap his head around how long that was. Never-ending was a term he just never got the hang of. 

"I can't see anyone in there." The house looked abandoned, just like his own apartment when he first woke up. It looked dusty and old. 

"Nope. It's because we haven't tapped in yet." Phil turned towards Dan and grabbed both his hands. They were harsh and cold but Dan gripped on anyways. 

"Do you trust me?" He asked, serious. Dan didn't even hesitate.

"Yes." 

"Then close your eyes," Dan did without question, "I want you to picture the real world. How much time has passed since you were there? What it would be like. What do you think has happened since you left? Picture it. The world's still running, you know. Still treading along, waiting for whatever comes next. Still running, still working, still hoping. You can see it if you look."

"I can see it." Dan repeated. He could see his law course pacing and printing and typing all around him. He saw his professor telling his students about authority, telling them about ownership. He felt his surroundings change. He could see his old friends, debating with him about who slept on the bed, the floor, and the couch when they stayed over. He saw Louise, a friend of his he knew from the very beginning, he saw her pretty blonde hair and her natural gap tooth. He saw the pretty dresses she used to wear. He saw the pretty dresses his mum used to wear, too. He saw both of his parents, sleeping in separate bedrooms, arguing through the walls. He saw traffic and trees and trust. Anything he could think of that he associated with _life_. 

He felt the wind stronger against his face, felt the sun shine through his eyelids brighter. He could feel the life around him.

He opened his eyes and remembered everything. He remembered the way the birds flew and he remembered the way flowers bloomed. He remembered the life he missed, remembered what he lost. He remembered the fear in Phil's eyes before they tapped in. He remembered everyone else he'd ever come across, knowing they'd one day end up somewhere like he is now. But, he remembered that there's so much time in between each death. So much time, for more life. To live a little longer. He acknowledged that he could have lived a little better, a little riskier, a little happier. He regretted so much. There were so many things he missed out on. He realized when he tapped in, he was going to see everything he didn't get to have. He was going to see everything that was ripped away from him. 

He knew now, Phil wasn't afraid to see what use to have. He was afraid to see what he never got. He afraid of the idea that life goes on. He was afraid of change, of the fact that he won't have the chance to change anything ever again. He was afraid there was nothing he could do to get what he had back, and Dan had just forced him to look his fear in the eyes. Dan had forced him to see everything he missed out on, by taking a silly left turn on a silly road. He forced him to remember, and to regret. 

"I'm sorry," Dan said, feeling tears fill his eyes. "I'm sorry. I see it now."

He was still holding onto Phil's hands, not any colder than before. His hair gently swayed in the soft wind, his blue eyes were bluer than ever, but his face was still pale, still drained. He held eye contact with Dan, blue to brown. Dan's vision was blurry, but he saw Phil, expressionless.

"Why?" A simple question with much more than a simple answer. Why was Dan so sorry? Why did he care so much about a man he had only met so long ago? Why did he feel he needed to apologize? 

"I don't know." He blinked back his tears and looked at their hands, still gripped tight to each other. Phil was gently swaying his thumbs over Dan's hands. 

He knew why. He knew he was sorry for his death. Sorry for his loss. He knew he was sorry for Phil's family, who lost him four years ago. He was sorry for forcing Phil to watch his own parents live without him, for no other reason than 'he wanted to see'. He was sorry for interrupting his afterlife, becoming Phil's everything. He was sorry that he was such a hassle. That he was such a burden. Phil didn't need him to show up and mess up his entire afterlife. He certainly couldn't have wanted him to. For that Dan was sorry.

Nevertheless, Dan was there with Phil, so he had to deal with it. He let go of Phil's hands and looked straight as his parent's house. Phil didn't stop looking at him. He heard a car driving behind him, but he couldn't bear to look. There was also a car parked on the driveway that he wasn't able to see before. He wondered how that worked. He could hear kids laughing at the park. He could feel the joy and the wonder of life going in one way, and out the other. It filled the air, but he just couldn't grasp it. He didn't know if he wanted to anymore. 

He walked up to the house with Phil. It looked alive, like everything else. Dan looked at the vines, now bright green and living, a beautiful sight. He was scared too. 

He was scared of seeing a part of Phil he wasn't ready for. He didn't know what he'd find in that house. He was scared, but he was ready.

"Okay," He said to Phil, still looking straight at the house, "Are you sure about this?"

"We're already here." Phil said. No turning back.

Phil stepped in front of Dan and led the way into the house. Phil hesitated ever so slightly, just enough for Dan to notice, then slipped through the glass front door, without opening it. Dan followed behind. When he walked through, it didn't feel like the door wasn't there, but more like he wasn't there. Like his body was the one that didn't exist.

The inside of the house seemed even nicer than the outside. It had soft white walls with family pictures hung up everywhere. Old yearbook pictures from school, old family photos, paid photo shoots, candid playful ones, everything. They were framed in a monochrome scheme of frames. Dan could point out many old pictures of Phil. He wanted to stop to look at them, to see what he looked like, full of life, but Phil kept walking, do Dan followed. There were also many plants. Lots of small cacti on bookshelves and desks, bigger plants as corner pieces in larger rooms, some were even hanging from the ceiling. 

The interior, just like the exterior, screamed life. The family had music playing in the background through a large iMac. There were windows open, shining bright light and blowing a soft breeze into the rooms. It was the perfect house. 

Phil walked Dan into the kitchen, where he stopped. Dan looked to see what must have been his mother cleaning around, a broom in hand. She had medium length blonde hair and lovely bangs. She wore a lovely black and white striped sundress. She had very similar features to Phil. Her nose was just like his, and when she smiled and hummed along to the music, she had the same smile. She looked like a lovely kind woman. 

"That's my mum," said Phil, stating the obvious, "Katherine. Always cleaning, always humming. Always cheerful. Not when I left, but she got there again eventually. She loved my brother and I so much. I remember how much she cared for us. She used to read to me when I stayed home sick from school. She cooked us dinner every night she could. She supported me when I told her about my job at the station. Some people thought it was silly. That I could never make a living out of it, but she supported me the whole way through. You have no idea." 

Dan could imagine it. He could see her reading to a younger Phil. Telling him that she loved him, kissing him before he went to bed. Buying him gifts, just because she thought he would like it. He could see Phil growing up in a kind and loving environment, eventually growing up into the kind and loving person he's so far shown to be. 

Dan reflected as Phil spoke so sweetly about his mother. Phil said Dan didn't have any idea what it was like to have Katherine as a mother, and he was right. His own mother never loved him. Or put an effort to, at least. He was a burden to her at best. She only ever did the least she could. Dan had to grow up, practically supporting himself. He took multiple jobs at a young age, paying for anything he needed. School supplies, clothes, extra food. She never read to him, never cared for him when he was sick. She never bothered to cook a meal for him, it was a waste of time and money that her and Dan's father would spend on concerts, new clothes, or alcohol. The only time she gave him anything to eat was if she somehow had extra. She never put his needs before hers, because she was so young and so was his dad and there was nothing he could do about it. All he could do was work hard and get enough money to leave, then try to forget. 

Dan didn't want to think about that anymore. He slowly started moving in the other direction, to give Phil a nudge to keep walking. They both went around the hall to find a simple room, with only a desk, files, office supplies, and a computer in it. Sitting and the desk was an older grey man, who Dan assumed was Phil's father. He wore a simple blue button up, with black pants.

"Dad," Phil began, "He was a hard man. I love him to bits, although we never really talked about that kind of stuff. He unfortunately was very keen on me being the perfect 'man', with power tools, and sports, and loud noises that he would try to scare me with, to keep me on guard. I don't hate him for it, though. Nor do I blame him. He was only doing what he thought he was supposed to. It worked on my brother, so of course he thought it would work on me. I moved past it. So did he. I wasn't there to see him change, but I see it now."

Dan wanted to choke Phil for thinking his childhood was hard because his dad had a slightly sexist mindset. He was angry that Phil had no idea. Dan would have given anything to have the childhood Phil had. 

He tried to push down his anger but it just kept sizzling inside him, begging to burst out his eyes in tears, or his mouth in harsh words. He wanted to yell. Yell at Phil for being oblivious to real problems. Yell at Phil for not realizing that he'd had it better than everyone. That he was a lucky one. He wanted to confide in Phil all the things he built up in his mind his whole life. All the things his own father did to him, did to his mother. 

He choked back everything and nodded, as if instead of taking in all his thoughts, he was simply taking in what Phil had said.

"Hmm," Dan mumbled, "Seems nice." Phil gave him a look of confusion, wondering if he had heard Dan properly. He had just told Dan that his father was strict, only to be replied with 'seems nice'? Had he missed something?

"Hey Phil?" Dan asked, trying to put it all past him. He didn't want an eternity of awkwardness because Phil made a small mistake, that he didn't even know about.

"Show me something else."

Phil lead Dan around the rest of the house, both feeling more distraught than before, but not wanting to say anything. Dan saw small toys and trinkets that reminded him of Phil. He felt bad for making his visit to his parents so short. He had dragged Phil all the way to northern England to meet people that must of hurt him to see, only to be wishing it was over so soon after. 

Dan had to admit to himself that he was very jealous. He was jealous over the fact that Phil had had everything Dan had ever wanted. He had two loving parents that were still happy and together and helped to raise him in a happy and loving environment. He got overwhelming support over his career choice. His parents cared about him and where he went in his life. They even helped him and supported him when he made a risky decision. Then his decision payed off, giving him his dream job. He was in the public eye and he had fans and he loved his life and Dan was jealous.

Phil opened a door to his old bedroom.

"This is where I spent my life until I was 22. My family believes in ghosts, so they left my room as is, in case I ever wanted to visit it. Good call."

Dan sat on the old bed, not making a crease, as he weighed nothing. He saw he walls filled with Buffy the Vampire Slayer merchandise and posters. He saw little action figures and Harry Potter and lots of other emo things, as well. He saw Muse, and My Chemical Romance, and Panic! at the Disco. 

"16 year old me would have killed for a bedroom like this." 

That was a major understatement. 16 year old Dan would have killed for a bedroom at all.

Phil smiled, but he noticed something was off. He saw the glare in Dan's eyes. He thought that maybe showing Dan everything was too fast. Maybe Dan was overwhelmed by it all. Maybe it was time to go back.

"Do you want to leave?" Phil asked. Dan looked shocked, but answered truthfully.

"Yeah, a bit."

That was all it took. Phil reached over and grabbed Dan's hand. Before Dan could blink they were back in their apartment in London, no longer tapping in. 

Dan felt the lack of feeling around him, but he couldn't help but feel relieved. He didn't want to see what he couldn't have anymore.

"Now it's my turn to apologize. I'm sorry." Phil said, letting go of Dan's hand.

"For what?" He asked. Phil let out a small laugh, a lot more of a huff than anything.

"I don't know."

But he did. He understood that not everyone had the life he had. He knew that Dan had confided in him about a couple of his own problems with his parents, and he was sorry. Sorry that Dan had it so rough, and that just when he thought it could have been getting better, he died. Phil didn't even know the half of it, but he was sorry, because Dan was hurt and now he helped hurt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to start publishing in exam season. Anyway here's another chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first fic I've ever published. I still have so much more to go. I don't have an editor or anything, and I'm really bad at deadlines, so expect the worst <3


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